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Dart
Super Administrator
Posts: 6584
Registered: 5-10-2005
Location: Portland, OR
Member Is Offline
Mood: If it's not Scottish, it's craaaap!
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Funny!
{Warning...may not be suitable for children.}
Bout spewed my beer all over my monitor when I watched this one! Good chuckle after a long day. 
http://www.woopig.net/other/nutts.wmv
Lawn Dart
CAG
Air Group 51 USN
"You fight like you train."
- Motto, U.S. Navy Fighter Weapons School (TOPGUN)
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Razor
Posting Freak
Posts: 7977
Registered: 5-11-2005
Location: Central Point, OR
Member Is Offline
Mood: Hung Over
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DOH! Too late. I already had a mouthful of coke when I watched this! Too friggin funny!
Razor
Air Group 51
Operations Officer
Kick the tires, light the fire. First up is Lead, brief on Guard
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Flatspin
Posting Freak
Posts: 4145
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
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God, I hate when that happens!
"Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things
worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked
with greater confidence than an armed man." -- Thomas Jefferson, quoting criminologist Cesare Beccaria in "On Crimes and
Punishment" 1764
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Dart
Super Administrator
Posts: 6584
Registered: 5-10-2005
Location: Portland, OR
Member Is Offline
Mood: If it's not Scottish, it's craaaap!
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Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
Lawn Dart
CAG
Air Group 51 USN
"You fight like you train."
- Motto, U.S. Navy Fighter Weapons School (TOPGUN)
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Dart
Super Administrator
Posts: 6584
Registered: 5-10-2005
Location: Portland, OR
Member Is Offline
Mood: If it's not Scottish, it's craaaap!
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http://www.ilovewavs.com/comedy/Music/Misc/The%20Scotsman.wav
Lawn Dart
CAG
Air Group 51 USN
"You fight like you train."
- Motto, U.S. Navy Fighter Weapons School (TOPGUN)
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Flatspin
Posting Freak
Posts: 4145
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
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LOL! Haven't heard that in years!
"Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things
worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked
with greater confidence than an armed man." -- Thomas Jefferson, quoting criminologist Cesare Beccaria in "On Crimes and
Punishment" 1764
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Thud
Posting Freak
Posts: 4255
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Gloucester, Virginia
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Mood: No Mood
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http://members.cox.net/487bs/MasterCard.asf
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Flatspin
Posting Freak
Posts: 4145
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
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ROTF!!
"Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things
worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked
with greater confidence than an armed man." -- Thomas Jefferson, quoting criminologist Cesare Beccaria in "On Crimes and
Punishment" 1764
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Thud
Posting Freak
Posts: 4255
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Gloucester, Virginia
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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LOL, it's been one of those days for joke emails. Here's another:
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
! Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our
sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
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Dart
Super Administrator
Posts: 6584
Registered: 5-10-2005
Location: Portland, OR
Member Is Offline
Mood: If it's not Scottish, it's craaaap!
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Lawn Dart
CAG
Air Group 51 USN
"You fight like you train."
- Motto, U.S. Navy Fighter Weapons School (TOPGUN)
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Mechy
Member
Posts: 236
Registered: 6-20-2005
Location: Philly
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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Just when you thought you heard them all.....
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WholeHawg
Posting Freak
Posts: 2001
Registered: 5-23-2005
Location: Tampa FL.
Member Is Offline
Mood: “Moods are for cattle and loveplay, not for fighting!”
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A great way to start my Friday!!!
\"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to
produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.\"
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Snooch
Posting Freak
Posts: 1740
Registered: 5-15-2005
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
Member Is Offline
Mood: In no mood,
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excellent!
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Thud
Posting Freak
Posts: 4255
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Gloucester, Virginia
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Mood: No Mood
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http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/humor/web_animations/1.swf
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Dart
Super Administrator
Posts: 6584
Registered: 5-10-2005
Location: Portland, OR
Member Is Offline
Mood: If it's not Scottish, it's craaaap!
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***** Author Unknown **** (perhaps for good reason)
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas,
when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb, went to see the
baby
Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an
important, yet often overlooked, theological fact:
There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo,
the
gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was
festooned
with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she
saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!'
And
Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more
interested in
the paper than the frankincense.
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very
first
Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving
those
gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise. 2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting
paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not
just my
opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical
survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's
such a
poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of
principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.
"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"
Gene
said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can
never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of
cards
and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a
regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you
can
still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage
this
sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower
half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper,
she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually
likes
wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that
requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is
very
close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my
wife
would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies
that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes
it, you
can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make
your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced
in
half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring
and liquid starch.
They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it
inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This
creates
a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give,
or
how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of
year, is that you save the receipt.
Lawn Dart
CAG
Air Group 51 USN
"You fight like you train."
- Motto, U.S. Navy Fighter Weapons School (TOPGUN)
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Flatspin
Posting Freak
Posts: 4145
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Member Is Offline
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"Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things
worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked
with greater confidence than an armed man." -- Thomas Jefferson, quoting criminologist Cesare Beccaria in "On Crimes and
Punishment" 1764
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Thud
Posting Freak
Posts: 4255
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Gloucester, Virginia
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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Dart started it. 
If only big boobed women get to work at Hooters, where do one-legged women work?
IHOP
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Dart
Super Administrator
Posts: 6584
Registered: 5-10-2005
Location: Portland, OR
Member Is Offline
Mood: If it's not Scottish, it's craaaap!
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Lawn Dart
CAG
Air Group 51 USN
"You fight like you train."
- Motto, U.S. Navy Fighter Weapons School (TOPGUN)
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Thud
Posting Freak
Posts: 4255
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Gloucester, Virginia
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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Subject: Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."Duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Roasted turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."Duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
Happy New Year!!!!
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Razor
Posting Freak
Posts: 7977
Registered: 5-11-2005
Location: Central Point, OR
Member Is Offline
Mood: Hung Over
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Razor
Air Group 51
Operations Officer
Kick the tires, light the fire. First up is Lead, brief on Guard
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Dart
Super Administrator
Posts: 6584
Registered: 5-10-2005
Location: Portland, OR
Member Is Offline
Mood: If it's not Scottish, it's craaaap!
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Lawn Dart
CAG
Air Group 51 USN
"You fight like you train."
- Motto, U.S. Navy Fighter Weapons School (TOPGUN)
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Thud
Posting Freak
Posts: 4255
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Gloucester, Virginia
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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Especially for you single persons.......................
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing
7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back
to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please
help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.. (Please Read Reply)
______________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by
its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0
and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge
the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in
your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony-Child Support". I recommend
that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application "Yes Dear"5.0 to alleviate software
augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.
BEST OF LUCK,
TECH SUPPORT
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Flatspin
Posting Freak
Posts: 4145
Registered: 5-16-2005
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Member Is Offline
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My God, it's so true though! 
"Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things
worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked
with greater confidence than an armed man." -- Thomas Jefferson, quoting criminologist Cesare Beccaria in "On Crimes and
Punishment" 1764
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=Cobraj=
Posting Freak
Posts: 5501
Registered: 12-11-2005
Location: Pa
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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Funny clip!!
Regards,
=Cobraj=
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Dart
Super Administrator
Posts: 6584
Registered: 5-10-2005
Location: Portland, OR
Member Is Offline
Mood: If it's not Scottish, it's craaaap!
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If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from
the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not
scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host
asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
Lawn Dart
CAG
Air Group 51 USN
"You fight like you train."
- Motto, U.S. Navy Fighter Weapons School (TOPGUN)
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